The Oddball of Abbots Langley
I’ve always publicly stayed within the lines. You know, never did anything that I thought would attract too much judgement. In short, I would hide.
If ever I did something out of the ordinary, it was usually out of sight from others.
And the times when it was on display I would be working hard to justify it, explain it, perhaps even aggrandize it! I would probably overexaggerate a little, perhaps be a little aloof, make out like everyone should be doing what I did, or pretended like I was “in the know”.
This public display was another way of hiding.
On the inside I was rarely relaxed. My stomach was always squirming and my mind often racing. I found it hard to connect with people.
At the end of Spring this year I read a book called “What Doesn’t Kill Us” where I read about running barechested. I liked the way it was written about and started doing it. For me, it feels wonderful; I feel more alive, my senses are more engaged, I’m a bit more present and engaged with my surroundings. After doing this a for a while, if ever I run for too long wearing a t-shirt now, I feel like I’m eating an ice-cream with the wrapper on, so just end up taking off my shirt.
However, it’s a slightly socially strange thing to do. You know, not really normal.
Today it was wet and rainy.
After about 10 minutes of running I took my shirt off and ran the next 30 minutes with my skin exposed. Everyone out walking who I pass is wrapped up and covered from the elements. I’m really enjoying being out. I know some people must think I’m odd doing it. One or two people divert their gaze. Maybe they would have done this anyway, who knows?
Last night I was out at a friend’s birthday party and it came up in conversation that I’d been running like this and my friend said, “I saw you on Monday! I didn’t know it was you.”
I stick out.
People undoubtedly judge.
Near the end of my run I was back on pavement after being on paths, a quick thought appears that someone might deliberately drive through a puddle to splash me. It was the kind of thought I would have had at school. A thought of being rejected. A thought that people would pick on me if I stood out. Fortunately I was never really bullied at school, but I was always terrified of it.
And now things are changing. I don’t really get the old feelings. And when I do I’m relaxed, they feel different. I see life so much differently, so much more warmth and hope, a lot more love for family and friends and everyone else I might meet.
If you struggle with fear of judgement, I want to say that I’m on your side if ever you want support to get over it. I coach people. I think I have a fairly good road map out of it that you may be able to learn some things from. It’s what I do with people Monday to Friday (and sometimes Saturday and Sunday as well).
It was fear of judgement that has held me back in my business for years. Fear of judgement that has stopped me being able to deeply feel love and care for others. And it’s something that I’ve come to see is a bug in our mental systems that can be transcended. Status is an illusion that no longer serves us.
If anything similar is troubling you, feel free to get in touch. Let’s speak. My number is 07596 870029, or email me at alastair@alastair-hill.com.
For now, I’ll get comfortable being the Oddball of Abbots Langley, enjoying my barechested runs round my village.
Much love xx
